Kelsie Kaufism #22

Do you think I have diabetes?

Kelsie Kaufism #21

I don't know how to make a burger cool. It's a fucking burger. It has 172 sesame seeds. On every single bun.

Kelsie Kaufism #20

I feel like I have a blood clot in my neck ... every time I turn it (insert hand motion and bursting/gushing noise) and I think it's going to burst out my eye.

Kelsie Kaufism #19

Kelsie:  I'm looking at Knoxville missed connections ...

Friend:  But why?

Kelsie:  I wanna move to Tennessee someday.

Friend:  Yeah? 

Kelsie: And I'm going to base that decision on the missed connections.

Kelsie Kaufism #18

Friend: So, I may have given a random guy on the subway who didn't speak English ...
Kelsie: A handy?

Kelsie Kaufism #17

Hey, yeah, you know ... Sick hair post. (In reference to an article a friend wrote about hair)

Kelsie Kaufism #16

Oh my god, dry balls. (In reference to the contacts on her eyeballs)

Kelsie Kaufism #15

When you're eating chicken fried rice, do you realize you're eating two generations of chicken?

Kelsie Kaufism #14

The taco skin ... tortilla ... should really be this much larger (insert hand motion) to fit all the contents of the taco.

Kelsie Kaufism #13

I don't know. I could have licked a subway pole.

Kelsie Kaufism #12

Do I want a tongue Jesus? No. Keep the holy holy.

Kelsie Kaufism #11

My breath smells like puppy butt hole.

Kelsie Kaufism #10

There was a cool trampoline in the trailer park I stayed at in Croatia.

Kelsie Kaufism #9

You're not real yet anyway because you're from the internet! You're just a bunch of pixels!

Kelsie Kaufism #8

Happy singles' awareness day!

Kelsie Kaufism #7

On peanut butter on bread: "I don't have enough natural lubricant for it to go down."

Kelsie Kaufism #6

it's like a thousand chinchillas screaming from the depths of hell

Kelsie Kaufism #5

my internet is seriously cockblocking my music streaming right now

Kelsie Kaufism #4

I almost got run over by a unicycle today.

Kelsie Kaufism #3

It smells like Satan's asshole.

Kelsie Kaufism #2

Is that piece of shit on my computer that I just put in my mouth a part of the Girl Scout cookie I just ate?

Kelsie Kaufism #1

It smells like Satan's taint.